


Everyone's a Critic

by Celira, Megkips



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Episode Related, Gen, Spoof, questionable crossovers, spoilers for ep 7, what is this I don't even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-19
Updated: 2012-05-19
Packaged: 2017-11-05 16:30:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/408562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celira/pseuds/Celira, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megkips/pseuds/Megkips
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Asami turned on the radio perched innocuously in the window of her sparsely furnished guest room, and a welcome burst of static scattered the noise in her head. Something else to focus on-- any updates, any news to distract her while she was waiting like a sitting turtle-duck. She tweaked the dial, and the static cleared with an abrupt hiss.</p><p>“On tonight’s show,” the radio cheerfully boomed over some positively modern music, “I wear a hat, Jung wears a hat, and Ryosuke gets slobbered on.”</p><p>Except that sounded nothing like news at all, and more like Republic City’s favourite motoring programme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everyone's a Critic

Far removed from the hustle and bustle of downtown Republic City, Air Temple Island was peaceful and quiet.

Too peaceful, and too damn quiet by far, for all that Asami's mind was running laps-- laps around the track back home, back where home wasn't home anymore but the scene of a giant, inexplicable crime unfolding beneath the floors of what _used to be home_ \--

Asami turned on the radio perched innocuously in the window of her sparsely furnished guest room, and a welcome burst of static scattered the noise in her head. Something else to focus on-- any updates, any news to distract her while she was waiting like a sitting turtle-duck. She tweaked the dial, and the static cleared with an abrupt hiss.

“On tonight’s show,” the radio cheerfully boomed over some positively modern music, “I wear a hat, Jung wears a hat, and Ryosuke gets slobbered on.”

Except that sounded nothing like news at all, and more like Republic City’s favourite motoring programme. A show hosted by three men - and one unnamed racing driver - who really did nothing but explore interesting ways to push cars to their limits while simultaneously showcasing the hosts’ extreme stupidity.

“Hello, hello, hello!” the radio blared in host Jiemin’s distinct deep drawl. “Now, I know that everyone right now likely wants us to get right to the news, given the past few days’ excitement in the motoring world, but be as our producers are still awake and can cut off my microphone, we’ll wait until they’ve fallen asleep at the controls. While we wait for that to happen, we sent Ryosuke to the South Pole to see what the Satomobile Type 42 is capable of doing against a polar bear dog.”

The chipper voice of Ryosuke took over, barely drowning out the in-studio audience’s applause as he began to speak. “As we all know, few things are faster than the Type 42, what with its 90 ostrich-horse power and the sheer engineering brilliance of its 1.8 liter engine--”

As Ryosuke prattled on about the Type 42 - which he was right about, it was a feat of engineering brilliance, never mind one of the most beautifully designed cars on the market right now - Asami debated switching the radio off before any discussion of the news took place. There was no way that the discussion would mention the night’s events at Future Industries, but even hearing a radio host wax poetic about the cars that funded the Equalists was too harsh a reminder of what her father had gotten into.

“Hey, Asami,” Korra interrupted Asami’s train of thought, poking her head into the room. “Thought I’d see how you were settling in and everything.” She paused, turning to the radio. “Uh, what’re you listening to?”

Asami shrugged. “Just one of the shows on the RCBC. They’re racing a Satomobile Type 42 against a polar bear dog right now to see which can go faster.”

“You’re kidding me, right?” Korra grinned wolfishly. “Unless that thing has a road to drive on in the South Pole, the polar bear dog wins automatically.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that,” Asami said with feigned concern, returning the smile. “The Type 42 is pretty versatile. I think you might be surprised.”

“Mind if I listen with you, then?” Korra leaned against the wall on the other side of the windowsill, shifting awkwardly, as if testing the tenuous new camaraderie between them.

It wasn’t before long, though, that Korra began to have a one-sided argument with the radio as the host discussed the South Pole’s growing infrastructure and how some of the native fauna were providing new inspiration for cars. She calmed only when the polar bear dog happily beat the Satomobile thanks to the car’s complete lack of traction on a road made of ice.

With the challenge over, Jiemin’s voice took over again, deciding that the Satomobile Type 42 needed a reprieve from its humiliating defeat by going around the show’s test track. “Which of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver,” Jiemin intoned, deeply serious. “Some say that he was raised by badgermoles.” A dramatic pause. “Others say that he drinks only cactus juice.” The background snickering sounded suspiciously like Ryosuke. “All we know is-- he’s called the Stig!”

The in-studio audience clapped appreciatively. While Jiemin narrated the Stig’s twists and turns, Korra looked over at Asami. “This is a regular thing?”

“Yeah,” Asami said wryly. “They’re pretty ridiculous, but getting approval from them means a lot in the industry. The challenges and stuff are just a means of making their criticism entertaining for people who can’t afford the really expensive racing models - or even any cars at all.”

“Seems like a pretty cushy job, if it’s all just being able to criticize other people’s work.”

Asami nodded in agreement. “Yeah, but they’re necessary. We wouldn’t know what to change if we didn’t have people telling us what we did wrong.”

It seemed that the hosts were more than willing to tell others what they thought was wrong. “--I’m sure it’s fast,” Ryosuke was saying as the girls turned their attention back to the radio, “but it could have all the flashiness in the world and I still wouldn’t be able to drive it in a straight line once I hit a patch of ice.”

“Ice isn’t a problem on roads in a properly developed _civilized_ area like Republic City,” Jiemin said archly, heedless of the implied insult to the icy South Pole.

Korra folded her arms huffily and opened her mouth to launch into another tirade at the radio, but Ryosuke’s voice beat her to the objections. “It’s not the _location’s_ fault if the so-called superior engineering that Future Industries is so proud of can’t keep up in different climates!”

“They’re building cars, not all-terrain tanks! In this case, it means taking elegance over the stodgy, blocky practicality that only you could find interesting--”

“--right. Well, then,” the third host’s tired voice cut in deliberately, over the bickering of the others. “Moving on, let’s do the news! As we’ve heard lately, Cabbage Corp has some rather shady aspersions cast on their business affiliations, but word has it that their assets have just been unfrozen-- pending further investigation. Which means? We can now introduce their latest model, the Cabbage Patch--”

“Who had that stroke of brilliance?” Jiemin muttered darkly.

“--a roomy saloon for large families, couriers, and anyone who might need to cart around more things at once than makes sense,” Jung continued, plowing through the interruption with ease borne of long-suffering experience. “What does this mean for market competition? Future Industries had a corner on the market for transport vehicles, but industry newcomer Foam Motors wants a piece of the booming auto market, too. Are there too many car models in production aimed at the same consumers?”

The in-studio audience was silent.

“Boring, Jung,” Jiemin declared, steamrolling off topic. “But you know what isn’t boring? The new Foam Motors A series coupe.”

“For everyone listening right now, I’m rolling my eyes,” Jung deadpanned.

“Well yes, you would, because you would find things like OH and any engine larger than 1 liter boring,” Jiemin shot back with ease. “However, the new coupe is exciting and different and might just be the best one to enter the market. We’re looking at a non-racing car with a surprising amount of ostrich-horses in it and--”

“--And how much is it going to cost?” Ryosuke asked.

“I would tell you if I knew,” Jiemin admitted.

“Which means it’s going to be very expensive in comparison to the regular A series, never mind a superfluous addition to the Foam lineup,” Jung concluded.

“Not necessarily,” Ryosuke said. “The market has only played to high end models or overly practical ones. By adding a coupe they’re balancing the two, and with Cabbage Corp’s present misfortunes, Foam Motors is likely to reap the benefits of such diversity. I mean, no one is going to want to give Cabbage Corp money right now unless they’re very enthusiastic about it being channeled to support illegal activity.”

“Yes, there is that,” Jiemin agreed gravely. “It’s as if Cabbage Corp forgotten that cars can’t bend to begin with, and they’re off to fiddle with electricity to look as flashy as the rest of those bending pillocks.”

Never let it be said that Jiemin was incapable of insulting multiple groups at once.

Asami glared at the radio at the same time Korra told it to shut up. “You don’t even know half of what’s going on!” Korra added, sulking at the device.

“Neither does anyone else,” Asami offered. “They’re getting news at the same time as anyone else - through the papers and the radio - and you know that Chief Bei Fong is controlling the information flow.”

“Still,” Korra protested weakly. “If their opinions reflect the general reactions of people in Republic City, then what happened with Future Industries is only going to be--” She stopped herself before finishing the sentence. Asami had turned away and was staring fixedly at the floor, making it clear that she’d already thought long and hard about the possible fallout over Future Industries’ connection with the Equalists. “Hey,” Korra tried again, softening her voice and placing a hand on Asami’s shoulder. “It’ll all pass over.”

Asami patted Korra’s hand gingerly. “Eventually. Right now, it’s an endurance trial, and one that’s barely begun.”

The radio continued through the awkward silence, rambling merrily along as Jiemin described his test drive of the new Foam F101, which had a straight four engine and an impressive 25 OH for a four-door saloon. The word practical got thrown around a few times, as did the words “Jung’s perfect dream, only without all the tartan.”

It was Korra who spoke first. “You didn’t have to, though.”

“What?”

“You could have taken the easy way out. You could have thrown your lot in with your dad, joined him and not have had to deal with any of this.”

Asami lowered her head again. She was getting awfully familiar with the knots in the floorboards.. “It was never really a question of which choice to take. I couldn’t do that-- I couldn’t support what they were doing to benders. What they’ve already done to benders. What they--” She swallowed. “What they would do to Mako, and Bolin, and you, and everyone we know. It’s just...it’s going to take a while.”

The look of total surprise, guileless for once, that flashed across her father’s face before his eyelids slid closed into unconsciousness. The thud of his body hitting the ground. The fact that, after her self-defense training kicked in seamlessly and the adrenaline subsided, her hands were shaking as they ran back down the tunnel toward the surface.

These things would take longer to process.

Korra was silent for a moment, then nodded slowly. “You know, I had you pegged wrong again. You’re a lot stronger than you look.”

Asami looked up, genuinely gratified. Having the quick-tempered Avatar admit that she was a good driver was one thing. Getting two complement-slash-apologies in one day was another. And it felt good to have her efforts at being cordial to the prickly Water Tribe girl-- who acted as if Asami were encroaching on her territory sometimes-- pay off. Even at this price. “Thanks. That’s nice of you to say.”

“I mean it, though. Not everyone would stick to their morals like that under pressure.” Korra scratched the back of her neck self-consciously. “You know? I owe you one. And since you’re with us now, we’ll have your back. No matter what. We’ll help you with the fallout.”

“It could be complicated, though. Future Industries still has a lot of influence. Lots of people will be interested for all the wrong reasons.”

“You’ll make it through, though,” Korra said, leaning forward determinedly as if the building confidence in her voice could be channeled into Asami. “I mean, it’s not like we’re going to let you face a mob of hungry reporters alone. I know what that’s like and I’m not letting anyone else I know go through it alone.” At the questioning tilt of Asami’s head, Korra shrugged. “Tarrlok did it to me once and made me commit to something I wasn’t sure about.”

Asami swallowed, at a loss for words. “I-- I appreciate that.”

“Sure,” Korra said. “And seriously, I mean it. If you get pressed into talking about it publicly, I’ll be there right next to you.”

The gravity of the moment hung in the air for a moment, as if unsure what to do with such uncharacteristic seriousness. Then Korra flashed a grin, tinged with her usual layer of mischief. As if to complement Korra’s expression, Jung transitioned the programme from its test drive segment to the week’s new challenge - camping in a Foam Motors T series basic Omashu, which Jiemin miserably noted was “now considered a fashionable thing to do.”

There was something satisfying about hearing the three explain just how miserable their camping trip had been after Jiemin’s political commentary, and by the time it had gotten to a badgermole exploring their campsite, Korra was laughing so hard her sides hurt and even Asami had cracked a smile. Somehow, the matter got even more embarrassing for the hosts when, in the middle of the night, a platypus bear ambushed the campsite and tried to maul the car they were camping in.

“You were screaming like a girl at that point, Jiemin,” Ryosuke noted gleefully.

“I was not screaming like a girl, I was acting like a rational person who, when faced with a platypus bear, assumed that noise would repel the thing. I didn’t expect Jung to go over and try and reason with it, at any rate!”

“Yes, that’s true,” Ryosuke corrected himself, “He did try and go over and talk to it.”

“You’ll find that the platypus bear walked away after I kindly asked it to go away,” Jung commented dryly.

“Because it knew you were going to bore it to death!” Jiemin drawled. “I think anyone would walk way from that fate. I know I would.”

“And yet you seem to survive every single show,” Jung countered, as if he had won the argument.

“Just barely.”

Ryosuke’s voice rose gracefully over the mutual character sniping. “Needless to say that after that incident at three in the morning, we didn’t sleep - that includes our producers, who learned a very important lesson about taking automobile holidays.”

“Which is-- don’t do it at all,” Jiemin summarized. “And on that bombshell, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to end. Good night!”

**Author's Note:**

> * Simply put, after episode 7, this was the only logical conclusion. THERE WAS A TRACK, OKAY  
> * Jung, Jiemin and Ryosuke are James, Jeremy and Richard respectively.  
> * Cars are based on the Bugatti Type 35, Ford Model T Coupe and Peugeot 201.  
> * The Star in a Reasonably Priced Car segment has been left out because, as a radio programme, they don’t exactly own their own track and have to rent time for each series.  
> * “Jiemin” is pronounced “jyeh-meen” and sounds uncannily like “Jeremy” without the “r” sound.


End file.
